


Dear Connor Murphy, Dear Evan Hansen

by DevinGaming



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: A Bit of Fluff, Angst, Death, Depression, How the fuck do you tagged this, Hurt No Comfort, Multi, Slow Burn, Suicide, i'll add tags as i go, no happy ending, this is supposed to be sad, why is there a bit of fluff in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-04-25 21:25:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14387430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DevinGaming/pseuds/DevinGaming
Summary: Dear Connor Murphy,third times a charm, right?Your old best, and dearest friend,Evan Hansen





	1. Dear Connor Murphy,

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings:
> 
> -I suck at writing Evan  
> -I don't know anything about sending and writing emails and stuff  
> -No happy ending  
> -the timeline is confusing and messed up  
> -If this sucks (which it probably does), then I don't really mind.
> 
> Enjoy!

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_I can't believe we'll be seniors next year. What do you want to do after we get out of school? Write a book? Learn to sail? That'd be cool._

_You told me last week that you were thinking about going to this college, I can't remember the name of._

_I was just about to ask if you could afford it, but then I remembered that your family is rich._

_Jared saw me typing this and told me to ask you if you could pay for me so I could go to college. Ugh, I hate him sometimes._

_Sorry, scratch that, all the time. I hate him all the time._

_Wanna meet up later?_

_Sincerely,_   
_Evan Hansen_

 

* * *

 

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_I was scrolling through my photos on my phone, and I found this one of you trying to drinking a soda through your nose._

_XD (this is a laughing emoji Connor)_

_I don't even remember taking it, haha._

_My mom is working night shift again, so I'm really vf+= bored._

_My hands stopped working for a second XD_

_Sincerely,_

_Your really bored friend, Evan Hansen_

 

* * *

  
  
_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_Your sister asked me why I hang out with you today. She asked if you scream that you are going to kill me at the top of your lungs whenever I piss you off._

_I mean, you do that with Jared and all the other students, but not me? So I said no?_

_Do you scream that at your sister? That you're gonna kill her? Do you scream that at your family_

_I hope not, they seem really nice._

_Sincerely,_   
_Evan Hansen_

 

* * *

  
  
_Dear Connor Murphy._

_I'm didn't mean that I think you want your family dead! Sorry, I should've made that clear_

_You didn't have to yell and shove me at school._

_It's okay though, I know you didn't mean it._

_Sincerely,_   
_Evan Hansen_

 

* * *

 

 

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_Remember that time went to that Apple Orchid place? You know, that one with the ice cream place on the way there, A La Mode?_

_I keep thinking about it, and I don't know why. Sometimes I'm just doing my homework and the memories suddenly pop into my head and I start crying._

_Why am I crying?_

_I don't know._

_I'm really bored, my eyes and throat hurts from crying. Wanna meet up later?_

_Sincerely,_  
 _Evan Hansen_  
  


* * *

  
  
_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_Thanks for sticking up for me today. I didn't know what to do, I was never good with fighting. I'm not good with talking either, so I guess there was no way of me talking myself out of that situation, haha._

_I wanted to thank you properly, since a small 'thanks' doesn't suffice in my book._

_So, thanks for helping me when others wouldn't. Thanks for being there for me._

_Sincerely,_   
_Your friend who is forever thankful,_   
_Evan Hansen_

 

* * *

 

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_Hey, do you ever get this feeling that you don't matter?_

 

_[Delete Email?]_

_> Yes_

 

* * *

 

 

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_Hey, we haven't talked in a  while. I feel like I'm coming on too strong, haha._

_Nothing exciting has happened, and nothing exciting will happen anytime soon._

_My mom's been more worried about me. She says I'm not eating as much. She said the teachers called and told her that my grades are slipping._

_I don't want to worry her, but I don't know what to do. Any advice that doesn't have to do with drugs?_

_Sincerely,_  
 _Evan Hansen_  
  
  


* * *

  
  
_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_I'm really bored, so I'm just writing random stuff and I got the brilliant idea to send an email to you._

_How do you deal with boredom? does your drugs help with it?_

_Sorry, just kidding._

_Sincerely,_   
_Evan Hansen_

 

* * *

 

  
  
_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_Do you read these?_

_Do you read these at all?_

_I remember you telling me that you rarely check your email._

_I guess it's true._  
  
_Sincerely,_  
 _Evan Hansen_  
  
  


* * *

  
  
_Dear Connor Murphy,_  
  
_I was going to do it today._

_I hid my medicine from my mom, I had around 60 pills I think? I was going to do it. I really was, but I had second thoughts at the last moment. I had the glass of water and the pills in my hand, but I couldn't do it._

_Sincerely,_   
_Evan Hansen_

* * *

  
  
_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_I fell out of a tree a few days ago. Remember that Apple orchid place? remember that tree we climbed before?_

_That's where I fell._

_I thought it was pretty tall. I mean, it looked high last time we climbed up._

_Sorry, I shouldn't be turning that place into something that will bring horrid memories in the future._

_sorry_

_sorry sorry sorry sryy sorry soryy_

_I can't even kill myself properly_

_sorry sorry_

* * *

 

_  
Dear Connor Murphy,_

_I have all these emails I've written in the past that I haven't sent to you. Should I have sent them? Would things turn out differently if I did? I hope tomorrow is going to be an amazing day. Maybe I'll rethink this._

_from,  
Evan Hansen_

 

* * *

 

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?_

_@ERROR% I̶ ̱̗͎̲͚̱̥ḵ̙͓͕̖n̷̗̦o̷̟̱w͘,̰͚̺̜̲͡ ̦̩̭̲̰̲͕b̜̝e̡̥͔̠c̀a͙u͏̣̜ṣ͕͉̥͔̼e̴̜͇̣͈͉̳͎ ͓̫̩͙̪t̳͡hȩ͍͈̯̗r̠̙̪͖̥e̼̞͢'҉̺̖̹̺̼s̶̠ ̹̰̣͢y̭̻̦o͓̺̩̥̟̤͡u͙,̙ ̣̟͉a̝͓̠̻̜͘n̜̣d̼͍̟̫̜̙ͅ ̥̳a̢̼̜̳͓̮̣̫ll͕͓̝̰͉̖͝ ̠̹͇́m̗̻̖͈̥̕y ̵̤̼͙h̘̩͍̝̱o͏̹̙̟p̗̗͚̞e͏͇̭̰͙ ̰̬̜í͉̘̫s͔̟ ́p̶̩̞i̡̺n̤̰̣ͅn̗̫e̫̗̥͔̪̮̤d͕̦͝ ̡o̪̙̝̬̖͙͓n͇͟ ̺̟̞y͙̳̱͕̤͕o̷̩͕̥u͔̼̘̲̩͉͢ͅ.̸̙͍̰ ͓A̪͓n̢̜͙͓̼ḓ̜̻͙͇͘ ̣̰̙ͅw͙͚̲͕̬é̼̬̰ ̯̠̘̼͖̻͕͟d̼ͅo̮̖̼͈͈͇͞n̞̥̲͎͓͚'̻̪t̫̀ ̝̪̦͎̰̖͟e̢̻̗̪͕̪͚v̗͍̭̺͟e͈̗̪̖̟̮n̶͕̖͙͖͓ ̴̺̺̹̻̺̗͔t̷̪aḷḵ ͕̩̩̪̝͝t̨̤̦̻̼h͎̠̗̫̩̘̙a̮̲͇t̡ ҉̤̮̝m͇̜̠͠u̗̱̥c̪̹̗̞͓̠h̩̰͢ ͔a͈̭͔̰̕n͎̻̹̥̣̲̤y̘͉̠̯̬͖mo̺r̻̼e̶͖.̥̣̹̪̤̘ ̟̠I̤̝̼̬̮̗̻ ͓̦̣͕͓w̙̫̣͇̦̦i͔̘̳̻̕s͉͖͠h̡̫̤̘̖͙̹͖ ̤̳w̡̺̠͇e͎̹͓̦̙ ͇̮t̴̙͕̦͇̙͙a̮̗̜̟̣ͅlk̹͉̲̻͇̳̕e̳̗̤d ̱͉̬̖̦m̠or̭̳͈e̖̪̬̺ͅ, m̲͔a̤y̼̖b̙͇̰̣̪͙e҉̼̤̙̱͖ͅͅ ͚̘̣̩̳ͅno̫͍̦̲̼͙ͅt͍͔̩̜̩̰͉͜h̟̭ͅì͕͖̙͚n͚̹̲͠g̴͔̹͇̟̹ wo̵̮u̹͓l̥͡d̷̰̱̘͈̼̪ͅ ̧̳͔b̖̥̮̘͍͝e̱ ̵͓̻d͏͓̭i͓f͖̹̖̞͙͟f̪e̻̺̼͎͇͇͢r̩̝͇e̴͇͎͉̝nt̸̞͇͚͎̭ͅ ̖̫a̖͢t̞̯̳̳̫̺ ̟͙͓͇͖ͅá̮̠̦͕̦̯̹l̷̝l̖̠͜.̸͔̙̤ ̮̤̙͍I̧̦̳ ͖͠w͙͎̬i̤s̛͓̰͎ḥ̼͉ ͉͈̗̘͕̯̩͞e̞͉̯̰̜̞̲v̰ę̠͇̲̝r͟y̹̠͍͇͡t̶̖̟͕h͓̙̲̘͚̟͡i̶̟̮̤͉ń̗̙̦͙̲̺̜g҉̩̠̝̙̥̟̱ ̶̠̘̪̘͙͙̖wa̼̗̙͎̣͡s̸͓̮̜̳ ̱̳̟d̺̜͜i͎͕f̱̝͇̖͖͍̬f̼̞͡e̶̱̣r̸͖̫̖̦̳̣e̼̭͚̼̟̞̬n̝̩͓t̼̤̠̬̕.̜̻@ERROR &_  
  
  
_I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?_

_Sincerely,_   
_Your most best, and dearest friend,_   
_Evan Hansen_

* * *

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_third times a charm, right?_

_Your old best, and dearest friend,_   
_Evan Hansen_


	2. Dear Evan Hansen,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:
> 
> -I don't know how to write Connor either  
> -Help I can't organize myself, this was just random stuff i typed down  
> -this sucks, I know  
> -this is unedited
> 
> I hope you enjoyed

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_you know your friend, Jerry? Jerman? oh wait its jared. yeah, you know jared? I ran into him today. he didnt make a 'joke' when I approached._

_he was holding this note in his hand, water (oh nvm its tears) was going down his cheeks, and he just handed the note to me and said, "Evan wanted you to have this"_

_I havent read the note yet, im actually just sitting here in my room, typing this while the note is still in my bag._

_I guess ill go read it_

_also, why the fuck am i writing an email to you? oh wait we dont have each others numbers ok then_

_Sincerely,_   
_Connor_

* * *

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_.._

_I texted that jared dude after i read the note, asked ihm what happened, and he told me you killed yourself._

_fuck you._

_fuck you fuck you fuck you youfuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufucyoufucyouyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufucyoufucyouyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufucyoufucyouyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufucyoufucyouyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufucyoufucyouyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufucyoufucyouyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufucyoufucyouyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufucyoufucyou_

_fuck you._

_Why the fuck would you do this?_

_I thought_

_You were fine. You always said so yourself._

_I_

_I swear, I'm gonna kick your ass down from heaven or up from hell, wherever you end up._

_Sincerely,_   
_I hate you._

* * *

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Everyone wants to be my friend all of a sudden. all those kids at school, they're asking me how im doing._

_My sister came to my room a few minutes ago. she was asking how I was doing. wow, now she suddenly cares about how im feeling._

_its quiet without you and your stammering._

_Sincerely,_   
_im still fucking pissed_

* * *

  
  
_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_you said your dad left when you were younger, right?_

_my dad sat with me in the living room, and asked me how I was doing._

_I didnt say anything, I just shook my head and left._

_i wonder what anyone else's dad would do in a situation like this_

_Sincerely,_   
_Connor_

* * *

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_I ran into your mom today. I dont know how, but I just did. she invited me to your funeral._

_I don't want to go._

_Sincerely,_   
_Connor_

* * *

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_why the fuck did you do it? why?_

_my heart hurts all the time, I dont want to get out of bed. whenever someone mentions your name, I keep thinking that youre beside me, jumping in surprise and looking around to see who said your name._

_I hate this feeling, I freakin suckss_

_Im gonna go get high or simethin_

_Sincerely connor_

* * *

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_your mom gave me your laptop. I dontknow wy, but she did. she told me that jared didnt want it._

_I found a lot of emails._

_a lot._

_i cant do thsi_

* * *

  
  
_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_one of the emails you wrote, in it you were asking what we wanted to do when we got out of school._

_when i get out of school, i dont know what im gonna do._

_i wish you were here. i wouldve gladly forced my parents to pay for you to go to college_

_im sorry i shoved you, i just have issues and my head is fucked up_

_Sincerely,|_   
_Connor_

* * *

  
  
_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_i think i laughed when you told me you fell out of a tree_

_yeah, i think i laughed and said something along the lines of, "well thats the saddest fucking thing ive ever heard"._

_i shouldve known_

_i shouldve noticed the way you looked way, you fidgeting more as i said that._

_i wish you sent me these emails_

_Sincerely,_   
_Connor_

* * *

  
  
_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_me and zoe were looking through some more of your emails to me that you didnt send_

_im 99% sure she thought i was some creep, looking through your stuff like this, but she didnt say a word._

_.._

_its quiet here._

_Sincerely,_   
_connor_

* * *

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_I wonder how youre doing. i wonder if youre looking down on us. i wonder if you regret your decision (i really hope you do)_

_why did you do it?_

_i cant think of any reason why you would._

_because you have no friends (hey im right here you know)? because you feel like a burden to your mother? i have never seen a woman cry a river besides your mom._

_oh, i saw jared today too. he was sitting under a tree. he told me that you were a tree expert, and that you loved them_

_he's so unresponsive now. he told me he wishes he was a better friend._

_jared, the same guy who said that you two were only 'family' friends, is the same guy that cried his heart out (though he still wont admit it) over these past few weeks because of you._

_Sincerely,_   
_Me_

* * *

_Dear Evan_

_i probably look like weird, a random dude typing away on his laptop in the middle of fucking nowhere,_

_Im at that apple place. under the tree we climbed last time i was here_

_Is this where you fell?_

_is this where you tried to kill yourself?_

_i cant fucking forget_

_if i look at a fucking tree, ill see your stupid ass standing beside it, calling me over._

_and then i blink, and youre gone again._

_has the phrase 'think before you act' ever have an impact on you?_

_i hasnt for me, but i fucking expected it to work on you_

_sincerely,_   
_connor_

* * *

  
  
_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_im gonna stop writing to you soon_

_my sister saw these and she said i have to move on_

_im going to pretend that youre here, and that youre reading this._

_evan, you were the only friend i had (jared was the only other person who really talked to me, but he's a fucking dick so he doesn't count)_

_you laughed, you lived, and you loved_

_you were always so full of life, you were always so happy._

_i guess im not good at reading in between the lines._

_youve left an immortal mark on all of us. me, my family, jared, your mom,_

_you mattered so much, youre as important as the trees._

_dead or fucking not, youre still my best friend, you stubborn dick._

_nothing will be able to erase the mark youve left._

_why the fuck am i getting so sappy?? great you made me a freakin softy now_

_.._

_my sister came in, she told me its time to stop._

_one last note (im just imagining you in fucking heaven, reading this off a laptop beside god or something), remember that no matter how fucking annoying or how much of a burden you thought you were, you were the most brightest thing out there._

_dont you dare fuckng think otherwise_

_well shit my sisters laughing at me and saying that 'im so sweet'_

_.._

_im gonna stop._

_we miss you_

_Sincerely,_   
_your still best, and dearest friend, Connor Murphy_

**Author's Note:**

> First time writing on this website, so I don't know how to write and post the chapters properly XD


End file.
